The Baby-Eating Nun Punchers

The things you'll see on TV these days...

2006-08-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

I was flipping through the channels the other day, looking for something to watch. Along my way, I stumbled upon a show on ESPN2. The World Series of Darts (WSOD). I couldn't believe my eyes. Not only is there a World Series of Darts, but they actually televise it. I didn't realize ESPN was that stupid.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all about stupid television. I mean, I watch all those poker tournaments, and my favorite network is the Gameshow Network (GSN). And when I'm watching a poker tournament on GSN... well... yeah, it's awesome. But, at least when I'm watching poker, I can learn something about strategy, and get better insights to the game.

There's isn't much to darts. Here's the game in a nutshell:

You start with 501 points, and the goal is to be the first player to get to 0.
Throw darts at the board.
Subtract points from your score by landing the darts in certain areas of the board.
You have to hit 0 exactly; you can't be at 24 and get 30 to win.
Your last dart (the one that gets you to 0) has to land in a double score zone to win.

The stupid part is, the most points don't come from hitting a bullseye. What the hell is that all about? A bullseye is the whole point of darts! Stupid.

But aside from how the game is played, having a televised darts tournament is dumb. You can't learn how to play the game better. All you have to know is how to throw and subtract. And you don't even need to know how to subtract if you have a calculator.

Rest in Peace.

Let's call a spade a spade.

2006-08-07T02:09:00.000-07:00

Every Saturday night, in Downtown Ventura, a group of people gather. These people are all recovering cocaine addicts. They assemble in The Oddfellows Temple for their weekly meetings.

My friend's parents own a bakery that's in the same building, so when I'm there to hang out, I see the meeting-goers a lot. In fact, I know a lot of their names, and have had many a conversation with them. A few of them are real nice people. I enjoy talking to them. But still, there's something that bothers me about them.

The other night, at the most recent meeting, I saw a woman wearing a shirt that read, "I'm a Miracle!" Apparently, it was from a place called The Miracle House, which, to my understanding, is some kind of rehabilitaion or therapy center for addicts. When I read that shirt, the first thing I thought was, "You're not a miracle. You're a fuck up. If you're so great, how the hell did you get addicted to cocaine?"

Now, I understand that kicking a bad drug addiction is fucking hard. And I respect that these people are doing their best to turn their lives around. Most of them have children, and there's nothing I hate more than when idiots don't take care of their kids right. So, yes, I'm glad they're fixing their lives. But let's be honest here. Getting off drugs is no miracle.

I know it's hard, and I know it takes a lot of strength, courage and willpower. But if someone is in that position, they obviously were lacking other character qualities when they started using. Now they're clean. They can hold a job. They can pay the rent. They can feed their families. Awesome. I acknowledge they're struggle. But that's all they're worth. Acknowledgement. They don't get my respect until they cure cancer. Sure, they're better than they were before, but I've always been better than them. What's that make me? Jesus?

It's not fair that these people are put on pedestals because they actually became productive members of society. What about everyone else, the people who never did drugs in the first place?

Doctors and psychologists will say, "once an addict, always an addict" when it suits they're agenda. But as soon as someone looks at a former user the wrong way, or they don't get a job because of their past, all of a sudden it's discrimination, and callousness. Well, lemme tell you something. That "once an addict, always an addict" goes both ways. I don't trust 'em. If they're the kind of person that will let a little bag of powder run their life to the ground so bad that they need to steal in order to survive, they're not the kind of person I want in my home, or my place of business.

Lance Armstrong is a miracle. Doctors who cure diseases are miracles. Teachers who motivate and push their students to do their best, and lead them down the path to bigger and better opportunities are miracles. Recovering drug addicts aren't miracles. They're just losers who finally got some motivation to stop being a drain on society.

Rest in Peace.

My review of Superman Returns

2006-07-02T00:08:00.000-07:00

And here's why:

Roger Mussenden and Ann Robinson are the casting directors for the new movie, "Superman Returns", and Lynn Stalmaster is the person who cast the original "Superman" that was done in 1978. Before I say anything (else) negative, I would like to commend these three on their skills at picking someone to play Superman/Clark Kent. Of course, everyone knows Christopher Reeve as Superman, and vice versa. So, when this new one was being hyped, one of the biggest concerns was Brandon Routh (right) being able to fill Reeve's cape. But, much to my surprise, this n00b's pretty damn good.

Unfortunately, however, these three casting directors fuckin' suck at picking actresses to play Lois Lane. The first Lois Lane was played by Margot Kidder (left). She's ugly, bitchy, and ugly. Fuck that ho. The new Lois Lane is played by Kate Bosworth (below). I can't tell if she's pretty, so that means she's not. Also, she has no tits or ass. LAME! Let's also not forget that she's only 23, so having a five-year-old son is a bit white trash/unrealistic, not to mention that when Kidder played Lois Lane, she looked 83. The lack of continuity makes my brain hurt.

Anyway, all that shit aside, I just really think that Bosworth isn't a strong enough actress to share the screen with the likes of Routh, Kevin Spacey (who playes Lex Luthor), and Kal Penn (wait... what the fuck?).

Other than that, and a few minor plot conveniences and incontinuities (which are to be expected from any summer blockbuster... especially a comic book movie), "Superman Returns" is pretty great. It's a little long, but it's not boring. Just long. And mostly good.

Rest in Truth, Justice, The American Way... and Peace.

Hi, I'm Hunter... and I'm a Street Teamer.

2006-06-27T18:34:00.000-07:00

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I can't stand Lewis Black.

2006-06-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

And here's why:

He's not funny. I've watched him on TV plenty of times, and I can't remember any of his jokes, nor can I remember any time where I actually enjoyed what he was saying. Not to mention I hate it when he's talking, because all he does is yell. Fuck man, you're supposed to be making me laugh, not wet my pants!

One of these days, he's gonna have a heart attack. That'd probably be the funniest thing he's ever done.

And he's always all sweaty, and he's fat, and his jowls get all jiggly like a bulldog. I could never eat with him in the same room. Ugh... he's fucking gross.

Rest in Peace.

Review: AFI - Decemberunderground

2006-06-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, June 6, 2006 (that's 6/6/06), A Fire Inside released their new full-length, Decemberunderground.

I've been an AFI fan since my friend Geno played me the All Hallows EP back in high school sometime. I really dug the song "Total Immortal." Then I met my very good friend Lorenzo a few years ago. AFI is his very favorite band, so when they released Sing The Sorrow (the album previous to this new one), he made me get it. It's actually a fucking phenomenal album. So, then I had to see them, and have now been to 4 total concerts/festivals, and have bought merch and stuff.

So, as you can tell, I've been anticipating this album for a while. When the single, "Miss Murder," came out, I was freakin' stoked. It's a great song, and it also meant that the album was coming out soon!

A few weeks back, I was able to see them at a secret show only for Despair Faction members (that's their fan club, and Lorenzo is a part of it). They played a couple new songs, as well as all the old hits, so it got me even more excited for the new album.

So, the album came out. On first listen, I was confused as hell. It wasn't at all what I expected. It took me a couple more listens (like, 6) to figure it all out, and now I have a real opinion.

I love this record. Go buy it. It's different, but as long as you understand what they're doing, and how they're growing, you'll like it too.

Rest in incredible Peace.

The well runs dry...

2006-05-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say. And anything I do have to say isn't new.

You want an update so bad, fucking give me ideas.

Also, bug the other assholes who are part of this.

Maybe I'm a snob...

2006-03-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

..but I just can't stand it when non-musicians are trying to describe a type of music they like by saying, "It's got a good beat."

Every time I hear that I want to punch someone. Usually, the person who said it.

"What is it about techno that you like?"
"It's got a good beat."

GAH! Shutup! Seriously, that's such a ridiculous justification that I just can't get past. Especially when it's applied to a whole genre, or when someone says "I like the guitar beat." (Yes, I've heard that.) The most appropriate use of the term is best applied to what the percussionist is doing, because it's their job "to keep the beat." That is, to keep the musicians together, on time, and keep everything held in place.

From Dictionary.com:

beat
v. beat, beat·en, or beat beat·ing, beats
v. tr.

2.d. Music. To mark or count (time or rhythm), especially with the hands or with a baton.

n.

4. Music.

A steady succession of units of rhythm.
A gesture used by a conductor to indicate such a unit.

See? Even by definition this shit is innaccurate.

The beat is simply the designation of the subdivision of the rhythm. It is not what laymen consider to be the music behind the vocalist.

Sure, as a musician (especially a drummer), I see things in charts that say "rock beat," or other things of the sort, but that is simply a direction of how to treat the pulse. The pulse. Not the style, not the instrumentation, not even actual music. The beat is the pulse.

Also, do not confuse this with the tempo, which is the speed of the music. When a musician speaks of the beat, they mean the pulse, the feel, the thing that holds everything together. You might hear a conductor tell the musicians to play "ahead of the beat." Basically, they are saying to play the notes or rhythms slightly before the metronome says to, but still have even spaces between each note.

I don't expect you to understand all of this. But I do hope no one will ever say, "it's got a good beat."

Rest in Peace.

"Waiting..." sucks balls.

2006-03-23T14:21:00.000-08:00

There are only three reasons to see this movie, and only two of them are good enough to watch it with the sound on, and not paused.

Dane Cook is hilarious. At first I was kinda sad he was only in it for a minute at a time, but then I realized that if he had been in it too much, I wouldn't have liked his parts as much. They wouldn't have been special.

Then there's Andy Milonakis. He's brilliant. He plays a bus boy who thinks he's black. And he raps. It's funny. I promise.

And finally, the eye candy. Vanessa Lengies (hot chick b-low me... hehehe). Oh man. She's boneriffic. And she's Canadian. That, alone is reason enough for me to wanna do her. And in the movie, she plays jailbait. It's like they were targeting me.

"me"

Also, it'd be nice to see Ryan Reynolds play someone other than Van Wilder for once. I swear, in everything he's done, with maybe the exception of The Amityville Horror, he's been the same fucking person. It was funny once. When he was on that show with Tiffani Amber Titties.

Rest in Peace.

Fucking brilliant.

2006-02-17T17:45:00.000-08:00

Seriously.

Rest in remembering-your-childhood Peace.

The Vice President is a bad shot.

2006-02-14T13:01:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, our Vice President, Dick Cheney, accidentally shot his friend, Harry Whittington, while hunting quail on Sunday (source). Whittington was rushed to the hospital and taken care of immediately.

The next day, they had a press conference with the White House's press secretary wanting more details. Actually, the press conference started out differently; it was the normal boring economic thing, but the press, being the ritalin-deficient sharks that they are, would not stop asking about Cheney's hunting accident.

The biggest concern seemed to be that it took a really long time for the White House to hear about it. Of course, to the press, this means they were trying to form a cover-up. I can't help but comment on this, because it's rediculous.

A guy got shot, they rushed him to the hospital, he seems to be doing alright, and then the word gets out. Apparently, the first thing anyone should've done was to call the President, so he could raise the terror alert level to orange (although, that just might make Cheney shoot at the country because when he sees orange he fires).

Jesus fucking Christ, people. It was a hunting accident. Hunting accidents happen hundreds of times a year. It's not an uncommon thing. Whittington is lucky that he didn't get more injured than he was. The only reason people care so much is because it was Cheney who shot him.

After they made sure Whittington was taken care of, Cheney told the owner of the ranch where they were hunting to contact the local newspaper. I don't see any problem. If you were hunting with your buddies and you accidentally shot someone, would you call your boss and be like, "DUDE, I SHOT SOMEONE, TELL THE WHOLE WORLD!"? For fuck's sake.

Rest in it's-only-because-he's-a-Republican-asshole Peace.

You don't know me... I do what I want!

2006-02-08T22:29:00.000-08:00

I've recently found myself spending a significantly larger amount of time in a comic book store. And when I say that I'm there significantly more, I mean, I'm there.

You see, my good friend notified me a while back about this comic book all about The Haunted Mansion attraction at Disneyland. Being that The Haunted Mansion is one of my very favorite things in the world, I decided I should check this comic book out.

After a while, I kind of forgot about it. I never went to the comic book store to buy it, I never looked it up online... nothing.

So, maybe a month or two ago, I was at said friend's house, and he pulled out a copy of the Haunted Mansion comic book, and handed it to me, telling me he had picked me up a copy.

I went home and read it, and immediately fell in love with it.

So, after my next paycheck, I went to the comic book store in search of the 2nd issue in the Haunted Mansion series. To my great disappointment, I was unable to locate one, mainly because it had not been published yet. So, instead, I bought a couple issues of a Batman series that's being written by Frank Miller (he did Sin City). Since I liked the movie, Sin City, a whole hell of a lot, I thought I'd check out this Batman series and see what it was all aboot. I'll tell you something... it's pretty fuckin' good.

So, I bought a couple Superman comics.

And the first issue of Ultimate Hulk vs. Wolverine (this one is fuckin' rad).

I also did some research on Slave Labor Graphics (the publishers of the Haunted Mansion comics) and found many artists and stories I'm interested. I placed an online order just last week.

My sudden nerdiness doesn't stop there. Oh no.

Back in middle school and high school, my brother and his friends turned me on to a wonderful little card game called Magic: The Gathering. If you don't know of this game, it's what's called a Trading Card Game (or, TCG), in which they put out these special cards and stuff, of all different varieties and rarity, and players build decks according to certain strategies. These types of games are widely regarded as very uncool, Magic being at the top of the list of "most nerdy."

As time passes, so do fads and trends, and interest in such things ebbs and flows. Well, this definately happened with me and my friends, and we all just kind of stopped playing. Of course, I still have hundreds of cards. There are two reasons for this. One: they're collectable, and if kept in good condition, could potentially be worth something someday, just as anything else that's collectable can be. And two: I simply didn't know what to do with the cards. I didn't want to throw them away, I would never give them away, and I'm way too lazy to categorize them and try to estimate their value for selling them (trust me... I tried starting the process a few times... it got real old, real fast).

But, for some reason, my friend (the same one who sparked my interest in comic books) has gained interest in these TCG's himself, and wants to learn them. So, I've taught him how to play Magic (with a little refreshing from my sister), and we learned how to play a game called Versus (basically DC vs. Marvel) from a guy at the card shop which is connected to the comic book store.

I know that typically, these things are considered to be "lame" and such, but honestly, I don't give a fuck. My friend who's been playing these games with me gets kind of embarrassed about it, and I simply don't understand why. If you like doing something, then what's the problem? If you enjoy playing cards, play cards. If you enjoy playing football, play football. If you enjoy raping young children, you're fucked up, and I hope you choke.

But that's not the point.

Don't be embarrassed by your interests (unless of course you're interested in hockey... hockey sucks).

Rest in I-may-be-a-big-nerd-but-I-still-have-a-bigger-dick-than-you Peace.

They may be gay...

2006-02-02T12:34:00.000-08:00

But they've got some great asses, I tell you what.

Rest in I'm so happy I could die peace.

MY favorites of 2005.

2006-01-08T02:17:00.000-08:00

Alright, kiddies... here it is. Hunter Cool's list of the best music to come out this past year. I know it's a little late, but whatever... I've been busy. Without further adieu... *drumroll*

1. Reel Big Fish - We're Not Happy 'Til You're Not Happy

I like this album a whole heck of a lot. A significant amount of Reel Big Fish fans are incredibly snobbish and hate this album, mostly because frontman Aaron Barrett produced it on his own, and they hear this phantom "shitty quality" in this record, but I don't think it's there. Or, if it is, the music just rocks so hard that I can't be distracted by anything to notice it's alleged lo-fi character.

Key tracks: "The Fire", "Don't Start A Band", "A-W-E-S-O-M-E", and a cover of Social Distortion's "Story Of My Life"

2. Eisley - Room Noises

I just discovered Eisley this year. If you don't know anything about them, shame on you. Sherri, Stacy, Chauntelle, Weston and Garron DuPree (all siblings, except for Garron, who is a cousin) make up this wonderfully amazing band. The singers, Sherri and Stacy, have the voices of angels and write some of the prettiest sugar/indie-pop you'll ever hear. And as an added bonus, they're fuckin' hot. Although, Sherri just got engaged to one of the retards from New Found Glory. I'm ready to kill myself.

Key tracks: "Plenty Of Paper", "Marvelous Things", "Golly Sandra"

3. The Aquabats - Charge!!

This album had me singing along all summer. Seriously, it's fucking good. If you like zany mormons dressed as superheros playing synth-pop-ska-punk, then this is the band for you. You may remember their "big" hit from the late '90s, "Super Rad" (which actually featured Blink-182's Travis Barker as "The Baron Von Tito"), but have since forgotten about my beloved 'Bats. Well, now's your chance to pull your head out of your ass and skank on over to the local music store and pick it up!!! This CD, that is...

Key tracks: "Fashion Zombies!", "Nerd Alert!", "Look At Me (I'm A Winner)!"

4. Alkaline Trio - Crimson

I'm going to be blunt. Alkaline Trio gives me a boner. They're just great. There's no way around it. Crimson is everything I love about Alkaline Trio packaged in one nice little bundle. Incredible melodies, high-energy rock 'n' roll, and all the horror/macabre subject matter you could ask for. Not to mention Derek Grant is one of the best drummers out there right now. It's just a shame that SPIN Magazine got him mixed up with frontman Matt Skiba. Kinda funny, though. Anyway, Alkaline Trio has created a masterpiece, and you should definately check it out.

Key tracks: "Time To Waste", "Dethbed", "Sadie"

5. System Of A Down - Mezmerize/Hypnotize

System Of A Down released two albums this year, but really it was only one. Mezmerize and Hypnotize were written and recorded at the same time, but the band decided to release them seperately for whatever reason. Well, it worked. Both albums stand alone as amazing pieces of work, and when you listen to them back to back, it's incredibly powerful. SOAD has learned over the years to really make tight, complex, interesting music while maintaining an undeniable listenablity. For any fan of heavy rock, or just intricate music for that matter, this is the double-album for you.

Key tracks: "B.Y.O.B.", "Radio/Video", "Question", "Lost In Hollywood", "Kill Rock 'N Roll", "Hypnotize", "Lonely Day", "Soldier Side"

6. Fall Out Boy - From Under The Cork Tree

Catchy ass pop-punk with the most incredibly emo lyrics you'll ever hear. Seriously, when people make fun of emo kids, they make up lyrics that Pete Wentz would think are the most brilliant words ever written in the world. Fuckin' eh, this CD rules. I'm not big on emo, but it's damn near impossible to listen to this album and not want sing along. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Key tracks: "Of All The Gin Joints In All The World", "Dance, Dance", "Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner"

7. Gogol Bordello - Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike

Eastern European gyspy punk. Imagine if Flogging Molly were Eastern European rather than Irish, throw in the most fucked up accent you've ever heard, some misplaced reggae influence, and you've almost got Gogol Bordello. Basically, you'll just have to hear them if you haven't already. These people are fucked up. One of the guys is really fuckin' old. Like, over 60.

Key tracks: "Sally", "Immigrant Punk", "Dogs Were Barking"

Well, there's my list of my favorite albums of the year. I don't care if you liked it or not. In addition to my favorite albums, here's my list of my favorite songs on albums I don't own.

Avenged Sevenfold - Bat Country
Matisyahu - King Without A Crown
Death Cab For Cutie - Soul Meets Body
Gorillaz - Feel Good

Here's my list of songs I never want to hear out of album context ever, ever, ever, ever again:

Fall Out Boy - Sugar, We're Goin' Down
Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends

Rest in Peace.

Happy New Year.

2006-01-01T01:29:00.000-08:00

... even though no one even reads this blog anymore. Awesome awesome awesome.

The Best Music of 2005

2005-12-30T00:32:00.000-08:00

Thank god for music.... and thank god for the year 2005. This is the first year I really followed musically religiously. I have to say I was surprised with what I found myself listening to.. If you asked me a few years ago if I would ever like pop, rap, or folk, I would probably say something about how I was ROCK only and proceed in treating you like shit. Thankfully those days are over now, and I have to tell you... I'm loving music that much more for it.. So here it is, The best of 2005...

The Top Ten Albums of the Year

1. Sufjan Stevens- Illinois (Folk)
Instant classic. Sufjan Stevens has created an album so masterful that it is almost overwhelming (22 tracks of detail-oriented orchestration). Playing over 20 instruments himself, Stevens makes you believe you are passing through Illinois on some kind of epic journey to find the essence of the state. The stories, whether they be personal, historical, or figurative, all have a deep sense of time and place. Steven is backed by an incredible band of horn players, percussionists, and yes... cheerleaders. I can't recommend this album enough. This album truly is larger than life... well, at least as large as Illinois.

2. Bright Eyes- I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning (Folk/Indie)
My boy Conor Oberst (aka Bright Eyes) helped me out a lot this year. This album proves that Oberst can tackle any project he wants and come out on top. This folky piece of work has you think this is what Bright Eyes has always been. The lyrics in each song are so personal it is hard to not feel something when Oberst sings in his quivering voice. I'm Wide Awake is full of political questioning like most other music nowadays, but Oberst is smart enough to poke at the issues subtly, unless he feels like screaming it out. Buy this album if you don't like listening to bad country music.

3. Common- Be (Hip/Hop)
I hadn't even heard of Common before this year, which makes me feel slightly stupid. But anyways, this album is utterly listenable. Common's flow is so smooth and calm you couldn't imagine he had much of a hard time making this album. For Common to be over 30 years old and still putting out albums of this caliber is almost unheard of in the hip hop/rap world. Thus, Common is one of the greats in the game.

4. Bloc Party- Silent Alarm (Indie/Rock)
Bloc Party revived the garage rock/indie/savior movement in 2005. This album is incredible, although what they do in it isn't all that incredible. Plain and simple, they play good old rock n roll with all the right hooks and frenzy in all the right places. Truly a great album.

5. Kanye West- Late Registration (Rap)
If anyone deserves to be a cocky bastard, it's Kanye West. He seems to thrive on perfection. He expects nothing less, and it shows in his music. You get the feeling he takes his sweet time with every track he records to make it juuust right. If there's anything wrong with this album it's that the skits are a bit too ummm... pointless, and disrupt the overall flow of the album. Nonetheless.. Kanye has done it again.

6. Gym Class Heroes- The Papercut Chronicles (Hip/Hop)
Hip/Hop band? Yes, a hip/hop band. These four boys came out of nowhere, releasing a debut that shows a ton of potential. The lyrics are at times, funny, depressing, and sophisticated in the span of minutes. Fans of rap or rock music alike will enjoy something in this album.

7. Death Cab for Cutie- Plans (Indie/Pop)
I love Death Cab for Cutie. So I was very surprised when I was handed this album before it even hit stores and didn't listen to it immediately. Plans did take some time to grow on me, but how could anyone possibly deny Ben Gibbard's voice?! Yes yes, this is a bit different from what Death Cab does on other albums, but hasn't every album they put out been different from the previous?? Go listen to it.

8. Fall of Troy- Doppelganger (Experimental/Post Hardcore/Screamo)
Three ridiculously talented guys. Well, you could call them boys considering they were all under the age of 21 when this album was released. Doppelganger is not your typical screamo/post hardcore album. It carries a ferocity that is actually sincere in a genre of music that is full of bands who "over do" everything. Super hyper guitar, frenzied screams, and overwhelmingly complex time signatures and song structures power this beast of an album. If you like controlled chaos, Fall of Troy is your band.

9. M83- Before the Dawn Heals Us (Electronica/Dream Pop)
Electronic dream music. If you close your eyes while listening, you may just start floating. Before the Dawn Heals Us will make you reflect and long for your childhood, and at the same time dream about your future. M83 is comprised of one man, Anthony Gonzalez. Gonzalez manages to create an album that will keep you in a trance. This album isn't for everyone though. The narrations in some tracks can be overly-dramatic at times, and the music can be dull in spots as well. Overall though, this album is great.

10. Rogue Wave- Descended Like Vultures (Indie/Pop)
Zach Rogue is a great musician. This band's sound can change so rapidly yet not lose it's wonder. The music is dreamy indie/pop that holds just a bit of folk influence. The music is moody at times, but is always lovely. Descended.. will make you dream of another place you would rather be. A wonderful escape.

Well that is all for now... Hopefully I will have my Honorable mentions list up soon as well as some other lists including : best live shows, singles, and others..

I reeeeally hope you try to listen to some of this, they might just make you smile.

-Andrew Lopez.

Monday Funday recommendations

2005-12-05T12:31:00.000-08:00

The Boondocks - There's really nothing better than angry black kids being all satirical and shit. Every Sunday nite at 11 on Cartoon Network.

Canned Peaches - Sweeter than you girlfriend's va-j.

Comedians of Comedy (Documentary/TV Series) - Patton Oswalt, Maria Bamford, Brian Posehn, and Zach Galifianakis are all fantastic in this. The documentary (highly recommended) is showing kinda regularly on Showtime, while the show airs on Comedy Central every Friday at 11pm.

Comedian Patton Oswalt takes to the road with his friends Brian Posehn, Zach Galifianakis, and Maria Bamford to tour indie rock clubs rather than conventional comedy clubs. We spend about half of the time watching their stand-up routines and the other half just following them around in their daily lives as they tour buying comic books, getting in trouble in the Cracker Barrel gift shop, and goofing around between shows.

The Lonely Guy/The Jerk - Either way, Steve Martin was one cool motherfucker in the late '70s/'80s. If you haven't seen The Lonely Guy, imagine The 40 Year Old Virgin if it were made twenty years ago. Yeah, that's about right.

Alpine - I saw Limbeck on Saturday in an area of Alpine called Chinatown. The sound is decent and the room is set up to look like Chinatown. This place is pretty much Chuck'E Cheese for teens. There are so many areas but I was only able to see the clothing store, lounge and Chinatown. I guess there's also a laundromat, hair salon, and study room (wtf, wtf, wtf). And yes, there's still skating. The only complaint I have is it's terrible fucking name. But besides that, this place is super cool.

Limbeck - Alt-Country that doesn't suck ass. Their set on Saturday lasted just over an hour and forty minutes. Great live show. Great songs. Please check this band out.

That's all for now. Have a good week.

- lolo

The grass is always greener when you use Miracle-Gro.

2005-11-28T22:41:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that humans have this odd obsession with riding things? Think about it. We have so many different methods of transportation that are beyond walking. They have wings, or sails, or wheels, or even legs. And it's not simply a utility; much pleasure can be sought in just getting from here to there.

Of course, it all started with climbing on horses and such because then we didn't get tired. Plus, they're strong enough to carry a human (maybe two) and a bunch of luggage. Then we got the wheel. Well, it all took off from there.

Today we have cars, bikes, trains, skateboards, roller blades, buses, and those stupid shoes with the wheels in the heels that kids like. God damn, I swear, every time I see some little fucker zipping down Main St. on a pair of those I just wanna fuckin' clothesline them into oblivion (yes, my arm is that solid).

But even with the variety of wheeled transport, we just couldn't fucking stop. No, we had to go and sit in something that would float! Fuckin' boats man. What the shit? Boats are pretty neat when you really think about it.

And of course I have to mention aircraft. Birds now have nothing on us humans. Back in the day it was like, yeah birds are stupid, but hell, they can fly! Who wouldn't want to fly? Well, now humans can fly, and the birds can't do anything about it, except maybe get caught up in the propellors and shit.

But then you think aboot those who can't even walk, like whales, snakes, and amputees. Man, what they wouldn't do to be on the cross country team.

Rest in Perspective.

To all....

2005-11-24T01:14:00.000-08:00

You dirty fucks...

There's this thing called loyalty...

2005-11-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

Loyalty is when you stick by those you hold dear. Loyalty is when you support your family 100% (unless they're evil). Loyalty is becoming your family's enemies' enemy yourself.

Loyalty is not being your brother's enemy's study partner.
Loyalty is not being your brother's enemy's friend.

Rest in dishonorable Peace.

Jude Law is a Bitch

2005-11-16T18:45:00.000-08:00

CLOSER
IS AN
AWFUL
AWFUL
AWFUL
MOVIE

don't think of this as a review, it's more of me just talking about how much i hate this movie.

but, if i had to give it a rating: 1/5

ok so, i just added it to the piece-of-fucking-shit god-awful movies list. really, this film could have easily been 15 minutes long. i'm not even kidding. to summarize: people meet, have sex, and betray each other. roughly in that order over and over for nearly two dreadful hours. and i'm not being concise in the least. that's really how simple it was.

there are movies that i don't care for and could get on with the fact that it really wasn't that great. and then there's movies like this one. where, somehow, it just sticks with me and i feel an incredible urge to bitch and complain and let everyone know just how much DISGUST i hold for it.

(see: batman begins)

please, if you enjoyed this movie, let me know why i'm such a fucking idiot and defend it in the comments or something.

Hero of the week #1: Andrew Lopez

2005-11-08T20:57:00.000-08:00

We here at BENP like to take time out to recognize people in our lives who contribute.
Here now is the first of an ongoing spotlight on said individuals.

There are many a reason I made this young man our first hero, the first of which being his manly (not to mention studly) beard (when we kiss it tickles my face). Another reason I call him my hero: the underwear. They, in short, make me want to concieve and bear his child (I'll probably have it aborted mid-birth, though). He also enjoys good music and is 8 inches in diameter (take that however you want... like in the ass). To conclude, Andrew Lopez is my hero of the week.

You learn something new every day.

2005-11-08T20:25:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Canada has a military. Not only that, but they even fight in wars.

What next? A woman in the White House? I certainly hope not!!!

Seriously though, Hillary better not be the next president. Or the president ever.

Rest in royal Canadian Peace.

Irony is a wonderful thing.

2005-11-08T00:26:00.000-08:00

Click here.

So these two cheerleaders were caught having sex with each other. Okay... lesbian cheerleaders. Mind you, this fulfills the fantasy of millions of men... especially football fans. And they get fucking fired over it. I love it.

Rest in Peace, and don't lick slit in public... if you're a cheerleader.

This is funny.

2005-11-08T00:14:00.000-08:00

I GOT MY CAST OFF!!!

2005-11-07T13:18:00.000-08:00

My incision:

shudder

2005-11-06T01:09:00.000-08:00

What's the one thing powerful enough to absorb a woman's monthly blood and make a man shiver with fright? Tampons!

I don't know why, but I'm incredibly freaked out by these motherfuckers. They're pretty much the only thing that can make me say "icky" and flap my hands like a fairy. Every woman I've ever talked to concerning these vile things has told me that I need to "grow the fuck up." But seriously, there are some things guys should be allowed to wince at. Anything relating to periods is one of them.

If girls are allowed to cry at the slightest things, like a spider on the counter, a dead rabbit on the side of the road, or even a shitty movie where the only nudity is some idiot's ass, then I should be allowed to run out of the room and throw up whenever a woman mentions her monthly rain (no, that's not a typo) of terror. It's my right as a man.

Besides, have you ever read the instructions on how they're supposed to use them? Jesus Christ it's disgusting. When I was a young, impressionable, innocent little bastard, I stumbled upon a box of tampons. For some un-godly reason I decided to read the instructions. I have nightmares about it to this day.

Here's a sample:

Update: Okay it's too fucking small to read, so I'll just put it here: "Bend the
knees to a squatting position. Or place one foor on top of a chair or bathtub."

So there you have it. The most disgusting thing in the world. But before I leave you, I must tell you about one of my findings when I did a Google Image search for "Tampax."

Why would anyone put a tampon in their ass? Wait... don't tell me. I seriously don't want to know.

Rest in Peace, you sick fuckers.

You're dead, bitch!

2005-11-05T17:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I was a coroner. I don't necessarily want to touch dead bodies and stuff like that. I just want to tell people they're dead. And even if they don't believe me, they'd have to at least consider it. I mean... I'm the coroner. If I say you're dead, you are!

Rest in Peace... because I said so.

I'm enforcing a new policy here at the BENP.

2005-11-04T23:41:00.000-08:00

NOTE: If you leave a comment on one of the posts, PLEASE put your name on it. If there's no name, it will most likely be deleted, especially if it's negative. It takes a fair amount of balls for us to same some of the stuff we put on here, so we expect the same courtesy in return. If you're too much of a pussy to leave your name, your comments simply aren't welcome.

Rest in Peace.

A Beginner's Guide to Depression

2005-10-31T15:01:00.000-08:00

Nvm on the whole posting thing

The White Stripes steal Tegan and Sara's thunder!

2005-10-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

The White Stripes have announced they're going to record and release a cover of Tegan and Sara's "Walking With A Ghost." That's fucked up! That's Tegan and Sara's current single. It's so totally not fair. You think anyone would get away with recording and releasing Green Day's "Wake Me Up When September Ends" right now? Hell no! I mean, legally, as long as they pay the BMI fees and such, they could do it, but a lot of people would be pissed, I'm sure, just as I (along with many other Tegan and Sara fans) am pissed about this.

Some people argue that it's actually good for the twins. They're not on the radio so much right now, and they're certainly not on MTV or anything, so it might actually bring them some exposure... not to mention royalties.

But it's so incredibly disrespectful to cover a band's current single. I can't begin to describe how disgusted I am with The White Stripes.

Rest in Peace.

UPDATE:

Okay, so Lolo hooked me up with the studio version of this song (I only had a shitty live version). Well, it's confirmed... IT FUCKING SUCKS!!! And I'm not just saying that because I'm pissed. I really like The White Stripes. Their last two albums are exceptional. But not only am I disappointed by their lack of professional etiquette, but I'm let down by their lack of musical quality on this song.

Boo, Jack White. Boo!

RIP Ryan "Dallas" Cook

2005-10-19T20:17:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, Dallas was a member of the popular ska band, Suburban Legends. He was killed last night in a motorcycle accident. He was 23 years old. This article was posted in the OC Register.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Motorcyclist dies after Santa Ana crash

By RITA FREEMAN
The Orange County Register

SANTA ANA - A Huntington Beach motorcyclist was killed early this morning after hitting a dark-colored Hyundai that was blocking the car-pool lane on the southbound Costa Mesa (55) Freeway, the California Highway Patrol said.

Ryan Cook, 23, was riding a black Honda CB570 at 12:25 a.m. in the car-pool lane just north of MacArthur Boulevard and hit the Hyundai, possibly a sport-utility vehicle.

Cook was thrown from his motorcycle, then was struck multiple times by oncoming cars, said California Highway Patrol officer Denise Quesada. Cook died at the scene.

The driver of the Hyundai fled the scene on the southbound 55, Quesada said.

Santa Ana CHP is investigating the accident.

Authorities are looking for the dark-colored Hyundai with rear or side damage. Anyone with information about the accident is asked to call (714) 567-6000.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So if you happen to run across a dark colored Hyundai with body damage, make that call...even if you think its silly, it's still worth a shot.

Rest in Peace Dallas. I mean it this time.

Steve Jobs is a Bastard

2005-10-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

my ipod is the most unreliable piece of fucking shit ever.

yea, i'm not digging that whole "crash and burn" feature, fucking dick...

update: i brought it into best buy because it's still under warranty and they gave me a shiny new ipod. i was pleasantly surprised since they have a policy where it's supposed to be repaired 3 times before it can be replaced. now i must begin the task of filling it up again, mind you, i had about 32 gigs before it croaked. steve jobs is still a bastard... if this ipod doesn't last, i'm probly gonna kick his ass.

Rogue Wave

2005-10-04T22:47:00.000-07:00

This band makes me smile.

My first encounter with them was while they were opening for the Shins in February of 2004. At the time their album "Out of the Shadow" was being released independently by the band. A few months later Sub Pop picked them up and re-released their record, one of my favorites of 04. If you're looking for an easy reference point, look no further than labelmates The Shins. The similarities are there, but they still have a distinct sound. Pease take a listen:

Rogue Wave - Every Moment from Out of the Shadow

Rogue Wave - 10:1 from Descended Like Vultures due out October 25th

Hopefully they might make you smile too.

A few things I've come to love and hate in the last week.

2005-10-04T22:26:00.000-07:00

Loves:

Books, the Game Show Network, board games, plain M&M's, pink casts, video games, pretty girls on my couch, not doing homework, not working, talking on the phone to pretty girls and friends I haven't talked to in a while, and peeing from my bed.

Hates:

Morphine, pain, blood, the hospital, annoying hospital roommates, outpatient surgery, incompetent dcotors/nurses, not being able to poop from my bed, not being able to shower for days at a time, washing my hair from my bed, and the stupid fucking horrible ending of the new Harry Potter book (seriously, why'd he have to break up with Ginny?).

The Corpse Bride rules. I can't wait for the new Harry Potter movie (the fourth one, which, of the books, is my favorite so far). Chuck Palahniuk is awesome.

Get well soon, Mr. Scott Klopfenstein.

Stan Tookie is a Mighty Sandy Vagina...

2005-09-26T22:44:00.000-07:00

As you can most definitely tell by the picture above me, Stan Tookie is the main Sandy Vagina. He wasn't always like this though, but awful experiences dealing with the sand, the beach, and the uncleanliness of his vagina has since turned him into quite the bitch.

It all started when he was just a young boy going to visit the beach with his family. The day seemed so promising, but it held very dark events for the young Tookie. As he ran along the shoreline, he thought it might be fun to be buried in the sand. So, he gathered his family around to be buried in the thick of the sand. It all started out in good fun, but Tookie slowly began to realize that sand was actually entering his body. It was an awful feeling that he could not handle. He began to scream telling his family to "GET THAT SAND OUT OF MY OVARIES!" But it was much too late, the sand was permanently lodged into his monster of a vagina.

From then on, Stan's personality began to change. He was no longer the fun-loving, slightly homosexual, little boy that everyone had grown to love. For you see, the sand in his vaginal region began to make him an angry young fellow. He was very hostile and took to making fun of homosexuals, even though it was obviously apparent to his good friends Shoes and Panda that he, himself, was one.

Although Tookie believed no one knew, he began seeing a young Asian boy named Shawn. The two fell in love quickly and talked of moving to Canada to get married. Things began to look up for Stan until one day he got home from a hard day of work and found Shawn with another boy.... who's name was Albert. Heartbroken, Tookie started to make fun of people once again (cuz he's quite the asshole).

As I write this I realize this really isn't going anywhere and the ideas are extremely poor (fuck you, my imagination is still better than yours), so I'll just wrap this shit up.... Tookie found a new lover in a boy named Steven and they plan to move to Canada after high school. As for Shawn, He is not yet tired of Albert, but he soon will be (Because Albert is a bitch.... zing!).

Fuck it, I'm done. The End.

Do rich people really get a better deal on taxes?

2005-09-13T19:35:00.000-07:00

Before I answer that question, I'll start by explaining something. Generally, I'm pretty conservative. That is, on issues dealing with the economy. Socially, I'm more liberal, partly because I'm young, and partly because I still have a little compassion for others. However, the way things have been going lately, I'm starting to hate the collective body of people more and more.

Anyway, a lot of economic liberals bitch about how the rich get tax breaks. In the case of income tax, sales tax, and other things of the sort, that is complete and utter bullshit. BULLSHIT! Everyone pays the same percentage on their income. Rich people obviously pay more, but can obviously afford it since they make up for it in having a bankroll. However, there is one specific tax that really does benefit the rich, and it's a fucking shame.

I'm taking a payroll accounting class this semester, so I'm learning a buttload about deductions from your paycheck and a bunch of other stuff that relates to it (naturally). For those of you who have ever had a job, you know that, along with income tax deductions, there are also deductions for the Federal Insurance Contributions Act (FICA), among other things, such as retirement plans, medical insurance, maybe even charitable donations, if you're so inclined. Anyway, FICA is broken up into two sections: Social Security and Medicare. There is a set rate that is deducted from your pay.

The rate deducted from your gross pay (that is, total earnings for a pay period before deductions) is 6.2% for Social Security and 1.45% for Medicare. Now, here's where the fun begins. For the Social Security tax, there is a maximum amount that can be paid every year. This cap changes every so often to adjust for inflation and other such fluctuations in the economy. Right now, the cap is at $90,000 (source). So, the amount paid by any one person in a year is limited to the first $90,000 that person earns. Once someone earns $90,000.01, they no longer have to pay Social Security tax for the rest of that year. That, my friends, is what you would call a tax break for the wealthy.

Let me visualize it for you.

Say you earn $50,000 a year, before any and all deductions. In a year, you would pay 6.2% of your salary, or $3,100 (50,000 X 0.062), to Social Security. Let's say that your co-worker makes $140,000 a year. In a year, they would pay the 6.2% on the first $90,000 only, which comes out to $5,580 (90,000 X .062). They're paying more total money than you, but since there's a cap, the amount they pay is only 4% (5,580 / 140,000) of their total gross pay for that year.

So there you have it. Fucked up, ain't it?

There are plenty of reasons why this doesn't make sense. First of all, it's not fair. Everyone pays the same percentage of their paychecks to income taxes. Everyone pays the same percentage on sales tax. So, why is this tax any different? Not to mention that wealthy people are less likely to absolutely depend on Social Security when they retire, because they're fuckin' rich! They have money already.

Rest in Peace.

A conversation I had...

2005-09-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

In a topic on a message board about Kanye West's recent outburst, I made a comment about the term "African American." Basically, I said that unless someone came here straight from Africa and gained their American citizenship afterwards, it's an inaccurate and inappropriate term. I then got a private message from someone, and this is what it says:

Why do you consider it bad to set ourselves apart from the rest of the world as members of a race, but o.k. to set ourselves apart as members of a country (American, in this case)? Seems silly to me.

To which I replied:

Embracing your nationality is quite different from segregation based on race. A nationality has culture and history, while race is merely physical. A nation needs pride and loyalty to each other in order to stay strong. If people weren't proud to be American (or Canadian, German, or whatever country they happen to be in), then the whole structure would fall apart, order would cease to exist. This is not the case with your race, how you look, how your ancestors looked, etc.

I hope that clears things up for you.

To which they replied:

I can't say that I agree. Divisivemess is divisiveness, no matter on what it is based. And, If you really inspect the way your beloved national pride operates and the messes it has caused in the past (which are only more obvious that the messes it presently causes), then it becomes apparent that divisiveness in any form is detrimental for someone, and how can a truly enlightened human be satisfied when that is the case?

You're right that the underlying structures of our societies might crumble, but I don't see how it couldn't lead to something better in the absence of the aforementioned divisiveness.

To which I replied:

I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say there, so I'll just say this.

In a perfect world, there would be no borders, no racial separation, no segregation in anyway. Countries would only be labeled as such for geographical reasons. I believe that everyone should consider themselves of the planet, not necessarily of the specific region they happened to have been born. Unfortunately, that isn't possible with the societies that we have set up today. And there's more to national pride than just trying to stay strong against other nations (or whoever the "opposers" may be). We all help each other out. It's human nature to be caring, and even more so it is American nature. Americans give so much to so many people throughout the world, and we do so much more than any other nation. The movie Team America got it right when they basically said our military is the "world police." It shouldn't have to be that way, but it is.

Back on topic, if we didn't care about our country, or our fellow countrymen, such things as the relief effort for this tragedy in the South would not be possible. We help them because they are people, because they are American. We help third-world countries plenty, as well, so don't get me wrong in thinking that I'm trying to say that we only help the hurricane victims because they're Americans. I also understand that we are getting plenty of aid and resources from other parts of the world, which goes to show the general caring for human life that is just a part of being, well... human. But, you don't see certain countries helping out as much as others, and many countries aren't helping us out at all. But look at America. We don't care who you are or where you're from. We will help. Have you ever heard of a country in need that didn't get help from America? If you have (I haven't, by the way), was it because of where they lived? Certainly not, I'm sure. That in itself is enough to instill pride in Americans. Is that a separation? Sure, but not because of who we are, what we look like, or who our fathers were. It is because of what we do, and being proud of one's actions is far more reasonable and acceptable than being proud of one's skin color.

Rest in Peace.

This is serious.

2005-09-02T23:00:00.000-07:00

Donate to the Red Cross. It doesn't take much. I just sent five bucks. If I had more I'd send more, but there's no minimum, so send what you can.

I'd just like to point out...

2005-08-31T01:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Aaron Barrett!!!

2005-08-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

Check out this band right fucking now.

2005-08-29T23:03:00.000-07:00

They're called Eisley and they're simply A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!! You can check out their official site or their MySpace page. Anyway, yeah... check them out.

wasted words on lower cases and capitals

2005-08-29T21:23:00.000-07:00

so, i'm taking this online course called understanding music and i came across this cool little paragraph about the birth of emo:

"In 1827, a 23-year-old French composer named Hector Berlioz was madly infatuated with an Irish Shakespearean actress named Harriet Smithson. She coldly rejected him, and so he set off to compose a gigantic autobiographical work, a love letter really, which occupied him for the next three years of his life. Symphonie Fantastique, the first major symphony to include a detailed story (lurid details included) for each movement, was designed to impress Harriet. He did eventually marry her, with disastrous consequences, in 1833."

my favorite part has to be, "He did eventually marry her, with DISASTROUS consequences".

"To listen is an effort, and just to hear is no merit. A duck hears also"
- Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)

you come around here like you know me

2005-08-29T00:45:00.000-07:00

so, uhhm... i heard this ashlee simpson song called "l.o.v.e.", i guess it's supposed to be her new single, and it's fucking terrible. it kinda has this maroon 5 feel during the chorus which is semi-tolerable, but the verses have this no doubt (circa rock steady) swaggerish feel that is just hideous... and dissapointing. i don't know if she's using the same song writers for this album, but honestly, couldn't she find someone to pen a better track than this?! i mean, she had some great songs on the last record, but this new track is really awful. i hope other songs from the new album don't follow suit.

also, if you can't enjoy a well-written pop song, you might as well die now because you will undoubtedly live a miserable life. having said that, i ask that you check out the click five if you haven't already.

http://www.purevolume.com/theclickfive

their single "just the girl" is pretty much my favorite pop song of 2005. it's written by one of my favorite pop writers, adam schlesinger (fountains of wayne). and with a lyric like, "she laughs at my dreams, but i dream about her laughter", how could you not fall in stupid teenage love with them?

Before you get offended, read this whole post.

2005-08-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, here in beautiful Ventura, California, there was a gay pride festival dealie downtown in Mission Park. I went downtown to hang out at my hang-out spot, and I was told about it, and when I started paying attention to the people that were encompassing the bulk of Main St. I realized it was true.

Before I go on, I should state my thoughts about homosexuality. I'M TOTALLY OKAY WITH IT!!! If two people love each other, it doesn't matter what they look like, where they come from, or what their bodies have or don't have.

That said, gay people shouldn't have little festival dealies all about being gay and how neato it is. No group should, be it gays, blacks, jews, or whatever. I learned long ago that if these minority groups truly want acceptance and equality, the best thing for them to do is just to go about life as everyone else, and do their part to contribute to society. By separating themselves with their festival dealies and parades and other things of the sort, all they're doing is bringing attention to their differences. When people bring attention to their differences, they open themselves up to judgement, and that's (typically) the exact thing they want to avoid.

When I was younger, I would sometimes go to picnics and gatherings for people with my disability. I fucking hated it. When I was about 6 or 7 I decided to stop going, because honestly, I would rather have been watching my friends play baseball at the little league field, then go and get pizza with the team afterwards than be sitting around in a park with a bunch of kids and their parents sharing stories about their doctors. It depressed the shit outta me to sit there and constantly be reminded that I couldn't go play baseball with my friends. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but I felt more left out when I was with all the disabled kids doing everything they were doing rather than with my friends just watching them. At least I enjoyed watching them play baseball. Not to mention that they did a lot to make sure I was a part of the team. I was the official score-keeper, I got to help announce a game once, and I got to throw the closing pitch of the 1994 season. Hell, I even had a jersey.

This applies to every other minority group. And I'm not talking about cultural events, like if there was a Chinese New Year celebration, or some kind of African music festival. Those are specific cultural things that can be applied to everyone. It's not about awareness or acceptance, it's about unity. African drummers congregate because they share a common interest and they can learn and talk about the things they like to do. For them, it's about a hobby or an accomplishment. Anyone can go to a Polynesian dancing class and learn something new and make new friends and all that happy shit, but straight people aren't going to go to a gay pride festival and feel like they fit in.

I also have a problem with the term 'gay pride' itself. Why are you proud to be gay? I understand that it's important to feel comfortable with who you are, and that's totally awesome if you do, but don't be proud of being gay, as if it's better than being straight. That's hypocrisy. How would you feel if there was a straight pride festival and all queers were turned away at that door? That would be discrimination, right? Well, what's the difference with the opposite situation? None.

As far as me, I'll tell you how I feel about myself. I like the womens. It's just how I am. I like looking at hot chicks. But if I was gay, then I'd obviously be happy looking at hot dudes, and I certainly wouldn't wish I was straight so I could be happy looking at hot chicks. Is that pride? No. It's being comfortable with yourself, and accepting who you are.

Straight people aren't better than gay people, and gay people aren't better than straight people (except at interior design).

Rest in Peace.

More on hot lesbians. If only I had more hot lesbians on me...

2005-08-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

So, there were some interesting points made in some comments left on my last entry. These comments are interesting enough that it warranted not only a full response from me, but a completley separate entry to spotlight the conversation, simply because I think it's interesting. I already said that, didn't I? Anyway, here are the comments:

so...ive been listening to tegan and sara for...well...ever now. and im just confused by how you could listen to their music as much as you say you do and not figure it out on your own. also...on the whole mullet thing -- im a lesbian and i have a close circle of lesbian friends as well as all the lesbians i meet in vegas when im there to visit my mom. never once seen a mullet. just some thoughts.

Here is my response:

As far as the mullet thing goes, remember, I was talking about stereotypes. Obviously not all lesbians have mullets. In fact, I'm sure it's not even a majority. But, there are enough lesbians with mullets out there, and an even more significant amount of straight women who DON'T have mullets to draw the stereotype. That's my whole point. Stereotypes are there for a reason.

Now, in regards to Tegan and Sara, you say that I should have been able to figure out their sexual orientation on my own, simply by listening to their songs. As far as I can tell, they don't say they like girls in their songs, so are you suggesting that there's such a thing as "lesbian music"? If so, then I guess that further adds to stereotypes. Which, to be fair, I think it's pretty safe to assume that there ARE stereotypes that coincide with how music is performed. For example, you're not likely going to see a bunch of straight guys dancing to the newest club re-mix of a Kylie Minogue song... at least... not without a substantial amount of alcohol and/or ecstasy in their systems first. So, in relation to the Quin twins (wow, that's the first time I've ever made that rhyme... I feel like I've missed out), you could assume that their sound could be considered "lesbian music". After all, they're lesbians, and they make music, right?

I don't really know how to explain what my idea of "lesbian music" is, but I can say with a fair amount of certainty that Tegan and Sara's album "This Business Of Art" would qualify. So, in respect to that, I'll give you my history with Tegan and Sara. A few months ago, my friend told me to check out these girls. I listened to the song "Walking With A Ghost." I liked it a lot, and I bought the album "So Jealous". This album is pretty much just indie-pop, and has no real lesbian influences. Then I got the album previous to that, "If It Was You". That album is pretty much indie-pop with a little more folk influence. So then, I got "This Business Of Art". By then I had heard the rumors that they are gay, and so when I got this album, it pretty much confirmed it. The sound of the music, coupled with the haircuts the girls sport in the album cover all point to one undeniable and horrifying fact: Tegan and Sara are fucking gay. Once I started really listening to the lyrics, some of the vague references to "she" and "her" started making more sense, but before that, there wasn't enough conclusive evidence, based solely on the lyrics themselves, that said anything about their sexual orientation, one way or the other. Lyrics are poetry, and artistic license takes precedence over grammar, syntax, and yes, even clarity. As long as the words sound pretty together, they don't have to make any fucking sense. In those cases, I often ignore my initial reactions to things simply because for all I know, the writer is just trying to be artistic. For example, when Tim Maurer of Suburban Legends sings "Come dance with me all you little boys," one could certainly assume that he's a big fat queer when you hear that line out of context. But if you listen to the rest of the chorus, he later goes on to explain that it's what "[he] heard her say," therefore, he's simply quoting a female who was trying to get males to dance with her.

Rest in Peace.

Down with hot lesbians!!!

2005-08-24T00:27:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of falling for chicks who turn out to be gay. Seriously, it really sucks when I see an incredibly gorgeous female who is completely unattainable because she's gay. Nevermind the fact that there's no way I could get with her anyway. But the fact that she's gay just breaks my heart. A few examples of such women are Tegan Quin (musician, pictured at left), Sara Quin (Tegan's twin sister/bandmate, who you don't really need a picture of... just imagine Tegan without the lip piercing and a different haircut), and Portia DeRossi (actress/Ellen Degeneres' ex (?) woman, pictured below, right).

It's funny. A lot of guys dream about having two hot chicks at once. Personally, I don't see all the attraction. Yes, four boobs are better than two, but I don't really get turned on by one chick eating out another. It just doesn't make sense. But give me a picture of two naked chicks just standing there, side by side, and I'm a happy camper! In relation to the topic at hand, I guess a lot of guys would be incredibly turned on if they found out that their celebrity crush was gay. "YEAH DUDE, SHE'LL DO OTHER CHICKS!!!" Yeah, dude, and she WON'T do you! God damn. Seriously, I'd much rather take Tegan out to dinner and a movie than watch her finger another girl. Is that weird?

If you're a hot lesbian, either stop being hot, or stop being gay. It's just not fair that a fine specimen of the female half of the human species would be taken off the market simply because she don't dig dudes. Sure, other lesbians are lucky, but fuck them. Well, go ahead and try, at least. You won't get very far.

My point is this: gay people should be ugly and stupid. Smart, pretty people should breed. Gay people are less likely to have children, and are therefore less likely to pass on their genes, So, in the case of Tegan, who is beautiful and talented, all that shit is lost. What a fucking waste.

Another funny thing about homosexuality are the stereotypical appearances of gay people and whether or not it's attractive. For example, the other day a friend of mine mentioned seeing a really hot dude. She then proceeded to comment on the fact that since he was so good looking, he's probably gay. I find that hilarious, because the stereotypical appearance of a gay woman is anything but attractive to most men. That's probably why it pisses me off when I find out hot chicks are gay.

When I found out Tegan and Sara are gay, I was devastated. Don't ask me why. It really has no affect on me whatsoever. I still listen to their music constantly, I still think they're both gorgeous, and I never had a chance with either of them anyway. But for some reason, it bothered me. And I have to be honest, when I was first told, my initial thought was, "no way, they're too hot to be gay." Why would I think such a thing? I'll tell you why: stereotypes.

In general, I try not to stereotype anyone for any reason. In other words, I don't like to judge people based on anything other than their character or actions. But, sometimes I have to say to myself that stereotypes are there for a reason. If there wasn't at least some truth to a stereotype, it wouldn't exist.

For example, a lot of lesbians have mullets. Now, why do a lot of lesbians have mullets? Is it because homosexuality has it's own sort of ideas of what looks good and what doesn't? What I mean is, is it just ingrained in lesbians' DNA somewhere that mullets are fuckin' cool? Or, is it more like an identification thing? Like, do lesbians know that most self-respecting women would never subject their head to such an atrosity, therefore, to distinguish themselves from the general female population, do they sacrifice their dignity in an effort to alert other lesbians that, "Hey, I'm one too"? I guess there's no way to know for sure other than to go ask every obviously (stereotypically) lesbian you see whether they actually like their stupid fucking haircut, or if they're just doing it to get some tail. In fact, I suggest that every one of you do that. It could turn out to be a fun little experiment.

Let me know your results and I'll post them here. Until then, listen to Tegan and Sara, because they're simply amazing.

Rest in Peace.

I was bored, so I drew this on the back of a Yahtzee score sheet.

2005-08-20T01:26:00.000-07:00

(click to enlarge)

Indians (and why they suck).

2005-08-14T04:19:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start this off with a big disclaimer. This post has the potential of being mighty offensive to some people, so before I begin, I will say this. FUCK YOU!

Alright, so here's the deal. Indians suck. And I'm not talking about people from India. I'm talking about the people who walked the ice bridge over here. Native American my ass!

You want to be your own nation? Good. Fucking do it then. Pay for your own education, health care, crops, energy and anything else you're stealing from me. If it were up to me, bill collectors in fine suits with a hankerin' for bustin' kneecaps would be at your door demanding what you owe the country from the last few hundred years in back taxes. PS: Get a fucking passport next time you wanna enter my turf.

So there's this part of town that's being considered for development. Right now, it's a parking lot. It happens to be near a mission. What does that mean? Well, it means that there are likely some bones under that parking lot. And yes, those bones most likely belong to the Chumash who were inhabiting this area and then turned into slaves by the Spanish missonaries. Do you know what that means? I'll tell you. It means that if those bones are, indeed, those of some Chumash people, then the Chumash tribe can tell the developers to stop all digging/building/whatever, and that they have to preserve the site, build a monument, and that we (the American tax-payers) have to maintain it. They will shoulder no responsibility. Well, I have two words in response to that... FUCK THAT! They have no right to tell anyone what they can or cannot do with any piece of land that they didn't even know existed! It's been a parking lot for the last 60 years, and now they're trying to say it's an ancient burial ground. Look, assholes, just because some dude with a back-hoe coincidentally found your great-great-great-great-great grandpa Squirrel Nut Zipper under there, it doesn't mean it's hallowed ground.

You may be thinking to yourself that I'm a big asshole. First of all, I am a big asshole. Secondly, it doesn't matter, because I'm right. Here's the deal, bitches. When someone conquers someone else, there's the general acceptance that means that the loser has done just that: lost. You think the Romans gave any fucks about anyone they might've "injusticed" by taking over their land? NOPE! And their descendants certainly give so few fucks, that they're probably taking fucks just to prove how little they care what their ancestors did thousands of years ago. So why am I paying for what my ancestors did? Was I a part of it? I wasn't... I promise. It ain't my fuckin' fault that those pale bastards had boomsticks and small pox, so why are you conning me out o' my money?

Which gets me thinking. You see, I'm 1/16th Cherokee. Since I have to pay for what my white ancestors did (which, really isn't anything all that horrible... wars have casualties), then shouldn't I be getting some of the benefits that the tribes get? Or, since I'm only 1/16th, don't i at least get some kind of discount? Not to mention that one of my ancestors was actually a chief and was kicked out of the tribe for marrying a white woman. Since he started that chain by marrying a white woman, can I file a grievance with the US government saying that one of their evil women seduced my however-many-greats grandfather, thus impurifying the blood line, thus making me have to pay for those bastards rather than being able to reap the benefits?

I wonder, though, if I'd actually get any of the benefits if I was pure Cherokee. I mean, all the money goes to the tribal leaders and the rest of the people (those who actually work and keep the reservations running) get a very small portion of it. You wonder why they don't have clean water? It's because all the head honchos of the tribe keep all the money for themselves and fund political causes that further their own personal agendas. Those assholes are some of the biggest con artists around. But the more I think about it, the more I'm sure I'd get a bunch of that money, because if my however-many-greats grandfather was a chief, then that would mean that I would probably be some kind of higher-up. Man, fuck that white lady. I coulda been rich!

And now for my final point. This actually has less to do with the Indian tribes and more to do with individuals who think they're better than everyone else because of their ancestry. But it pisses me off when people claim they are "native American" when they're only 1/8th (or sometimes even less) of whatever tribe they claim. I'm 1/16th Cherokee, and I say I'm white. In fact, I'm mostly German, with some other white European stuff in there. Also, I don't think anyone should take any kind of aid or scholarships or anything else simply because of what color their skin (or their ancestors' skin) is. And that goes for any race. Work hard, excel, and apply for scholarships because you deserve it. Trust me, when you get it, it's a LOT more rewarding than being handed free money because of what you look like. Besides, we'll never tear down the racial walls if people keep taking advantage of these types of things. LET GO OF YOUR PRIDE! BE A HUMAN BEING!

(I apologize to no one. It's 5 am, so if my continuity sucks or if my thoughts are incomplete, that's why. But you still can't make me care.)

Rest in Peace.

Fuck You People....

2005-08-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

Everyone else has a good deal of profile views yet i only have 6 you motherfuckers...

So.. get on that shit you assholes, read my blogs, they are somewhat funny. And if you don't, ill just have to keep posting annoying shit like this.

Once again i'd like to reiterate... just look at my profile you fuckheads.

LOVE,
the panda

I fucking hate (almost) everyone-part I

2005-08-12T00:52:00.000-07:00

I really do here give me any one...

1. Paris Hilton

Slutty chicken lookin bitch that does porn even I wouldnt watch (and I tried to pick up on Hunters mom)

...wait...too easy I need something that shows how every little thing annoys me.

2.People who wear those saying shirts from Hot Topic

Listen, I dont give a quiet fuck whether "Monkeys steal your underwear at night" or your opinions on vital subjects like "Keeping an idiot waiting" ok? I know you aren't smart enough to say something funny and I really don't want to be reminded of how poor your decision making skills are every time I read "I'm only wearing black until they come up with something darker" on you fucking chest

3. Anyone ascribing to the "worn" look

HI! My name is Abercrombie & this is my good friend Fitch and have i got an offer for you!!! Here's what I'm prepared to do for you (and 5,000,000 of your closest friends) I'm taking a $15 pair of jeans then I'm gonna sit in the street out side of my house and rub said jeans on the ground until they look like a fucking dog got to them ok? But anyway, after I do that I'm gonna wash these jeans...10-15 times sound fucking good? THEN!!!I'M GONNA SELL THE FUCKIN THINGS BACK TO YOU FOR $50!!Seriously, who wastes their fuckin money on this shit...Grow a personality and stop buying back the stuff you just sent off the the Salvation Army.

4 Any fan on Anime or "Japanimation"

When I was younger I used to watch Scooby-Doo...Captain Planet...all that stuff...hell even Power Rangers...THEN I TURNED FUCKING 13 ok? LISTEN TO ME CARTOONS KEEP KIDS ENTERTAINED NOTHING ELSE.

If this is your idea of a good looking girl

Your parents are pissed that you STILL live in their basement.

Well, I guess thats just a taste of the hate maybe I'll go on with more targets next time but im tired, night.

Following the trend of unpleasant life experiences....

2005-08-12T00:37:00.000-07:00

So, I was going to turn 13!!!!! And guess what?? I was in Vegas!!! I also believe my great friend Ricky Barajas was there to join in on the celebration. Fucking awesome right?! WRONG.

See the thing is I have this fucking awful luck that always allows me to get sick (and I mean reeeeally sick) once any sort of vacation starts. Yeah I know, I suck.

First night of the vacation, I think about 2 days before my birthday, I felt really awful. It was so bad that in the middle of the night, my parents had to take me to an E.R. That experience proved to be even worse than the pain itself. This is because after over 3 hours of waiting, I finally saw a doctor who told me, "There was nothing he could do for me." I wanted to die, or kill that asshole.

So we go to an actual hospital and waited for about another hour. Finally we were seen which was a breath a fucking fresh air until they told me that the only thing they could do for my awful pains in my stomach was to give me a shot in the butt... That shit hurt. But it only gets worse....

So after they were talking to my mother and told her that I would most likely need a suppository (which at the time I didn't know was, and if you don't now there's a visual which should most definitely assure you what it is). Just the sound of "suppository" seemed very very bad. But I had no idea until my mother told me I was going to have to have a pill shoved up my ass.

After leaving the hospital we stopped at a pharmacy and picked up the shit, or rather, the pills that would be accompanying my shit. The time had come once we got back to the hotel....

This is quite possibly the most embarrassing moment in my life that I am sharing with you right now... I dropped my pants and was lying on the bed with my bare butt showing. What makes this MUCH worse is that my mom, that's right, MY MOM would be doing the inserting (view diagram below).

As you can see, this was a painful and stressful experience. My mom kept yelling at me "you keep tightening up! Just relax!" Oh how awful it was. Once it finally got it in there I wanted to cry it hurt so bad. I also needed to shit like you would not believe (which I guess was the point). I took an incredibly relieving shit that made everything so much better. That pill was fucking big too!! But whatever i suppose.

In closing, that is how I spent part of my vacation in Las Vegas a few days before my 13th birthday..... with a pill being inserted into my rectum by my mother. Such an embarrassing story to be posting for all to see, but that is what makes us Baby Eating Nun Punchers so awesome, we just don't give a fuck!

Love,
Andrew "The Panda" Lopez

What's wrong with me?

2005-08-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I have a medical condition called Osteogenesis Imperfecta. I have Type III. I was born with it, as it's a genetic mutation. It mostly sucks, but there are some neato things about it. For example, when I have a serious trauma, the whites of my eyes turn blue. How fucking cool is that? And, I have steel rods in my legs and my back, so I'm literally a man of steel. Here's an interesting fact, though: my left tibia and fibula (those are your shin bones) are perfectly okay. They're short like the rest of me, but they're of normal strength and density. I've never fractured them (and I've fractured most every other bone in my body) and they don't need rods in them (the reason the other bones in my legs have them is so they don't bow, and they also act as internal casts... basically to prevent fractures).

As a kid, it seemed like I was in plaster more than I wasn't. And the worst part was when my parents would schedule my surgeries during the summer so I wouldn't miss school. Imagine how fucking lame it is to be sitting in the heat with your legs covered in heavy plaster and itchy cotton, watching all your friends swim in your pool with your brother and sister, and not being able to do anything. Yeah, it's pretty awful.

There was one time that I had a broken leg, and they casted it in a way that I could still walk around on it. One day I decided to be a little daring and try to cross the room without my walker, and wouldn't you know it, I fell over and aggravated the fracture. There was also the time, when I was two years old, that I was so upset over something that I threw myself off a chair, causing my elbow to shatter. I had to be in traction for three weeks.

Alright, so now that you have a little background on me and a little understanding of just how easy it is for me to get hurt, I'll get to the hilarious part of this tale.

A little over an hour ago, I did something that everyone does. Most people even do it every day. Sometimes people even do it two or three times a day, depending on what they've eaten. That's right, I'm talking about going number two.

So I was on the john, taking a really nice shit. It was one of those shits that just kinda hits you outta nowhere and so once you get it out, it's real relieving, because you get that real sharp pain that buries itself deep inside your gut. After the fun part of taking a crap was over, it was time to get to the cleaning up part. So here I am, wiping my ass after a real satisfying turd release, and out of nowhere I feel something in my hand crack. Fuckin' hell, I just broke my finger! How many people have broken a bone while taking a shit? I certainly hope I'm the first. I don't even know what did it, either. It's not like I was wiping all vigorously or anything. I guess my hand and/or ass just moved the wrong way or something.

You know, I just remembered something. I know of another case where someone was taking a shit and ended up breaking some bones in the process. It was about five years ago. You see, what happened is, he had broken his left humerus (that's the bone in your arm that connects the shoulder and elbow) way up at the top of the bone... you know, the part that goes up inside your shoulder. He had a hard time moving around after that, because he couldn't use his left arm at all and his legs don't work so good anyway. So, his dad set up a camping toilet for him to use. So, one day, he was using it and he was taking a mighty good shit, too. I should explain to you how the little camping toilet worked. Basically, the legs were aluminum tubing that were foldable. Expanded, they resembled an "X" and are often called an"x-frame" or something like that. So, you would unfold the legs and hang a trash bag over them, then clip the seat onto them, which not only held the bag in place, but kept the legs upright and in position. So, as this guy was wiping his ass, he leaned forward (naturally) and the seat came unclipped from the back, causing the legs to collapse, sending him to the floor. In the split second before he actually hit the ground, his foot positioned itself in such a way that it got caught under the frame of the toilet, and when he landed, the weight of his body, pushing down on the frame, crushed his foot. He had four fractured metatarsals and a small fracture in his ankle. You wanna know who that guy was? It was me! Can you believe it? Here's a visual representation:

So, I guess there's a slight chance that I'm not the only person to ever break a bone while taking a shit, but I can almost guarantee that I'm the only person to ever do it twice. Considering all the stupid shit I've done in my life, sometimes I feel like I'm turning into this idiot.

You might be asking yourself why I've decided to share these humiliating stories with you. Simply put, I would not be a Baby-Eating Nun Puncher if I kept something this hilarious from my adoring public, no matter how embarrassing it may be.

Rest in Peace.

I'm the stupidest person on the planet... and I'll tell you why.

2005-08-11T02:07:00.000-07:00

I really have no idea why this popped in my head today, but for some reason, while I was at work, just zippin' through the paperwork and jamming out to The Killers, I remembered the day that confirmed I'm the biggest moron that ever lived.

Okay, so this happenend a few years ago. It was in May of 2002. I was a senior at Fillmore High school and in a band called Ten Cents. We were playing at the Fillmore Orange Festival in (you guessed it) Fillmore, CA. It was a beautiful afternoon. The sun was shining but it wasn't too hot, because it was still only May. And in Fillmore, every spring the air is filled with the sweet aroma of orange blossoms, seeing as how pretty much the entire city is surrounded by citrus groves. So, my band was playing, and we had a fuckin' huge ass crowd watching us. It was incredible. It was also the day we were releasing our debut CD, "Straight From The Orange-Grove Ghettos." We had made only 100 copies for that day, and I remember that they were real shitty quality. This guy made them for us and he used slimline cases and shitty paper with shitty printing quality and charged us like, $400. Yeah, it was pretty shitty.

Anyway, the people didn't seem to give a solitary fuck about how shitty those CDs were. We sold out. Isn't that incredible? I mean, here we are, seven high school kids just playing some songs we wrote in Lolo's garage (a.k.a. "The Hotbox") that we also happened to record and people actually liked those songs enough to buy 100 copies of our CD! And mind you, this all happened in about 2 hours. Needless to say, it was fucking bad ass. A girl even asked me to sign her arm that day, thus making it the first body part I'd ever signed.

So after we had rocked the proverbial socks off a good chunk of the population of Fillmore (which, if you know anything about Fillmore, you'd know that isn't every many people... maybe like... 12) and we packed up and hauled out all our gear, it was time to stroll the festival. For some reason, though, I was alone. I'm not exactly sure why, because usually after a gig we'd all hang out together. But we didn't that day. Whatever.

So I'm cruising the block and a half that is encompassed by this annual ritual, and I find my way over to the park in front of City Hall. For you Ventura County residents, you might recognize it from the pictures on the phone book. Anyway, I'm just chillin' and all of a sudden I see her. Her name was Cassandra Harm, and she was beautiful. She was one of those princess dealies that really don't mean shit so she had to walk around the festival and look pretty and smile at people. Well, she was doing her job quite well, I must say.

Now, before I go on, let me tell you something about Cassandra Harm. She's the stereotypical gorgeous girl that every high school in America has... even schools as small as Fillmore High. And she's not the stuck-up cheerleader slut girl, nor is she the all-American scholar uptight girl. She's the absolutely stunning sweetheart that everyone seems to know, but only a select few actually fall in love with her. All the dumb jocks go for the sluts. But not me. I set my standards high. I had a crush on Cassandra Harm. One thing about her that always made me giggle was her last name: Harm. You see, her grandparents lived up the street from me in an area that was techincally outside the city limits. They had a big property up there, and we called it the "Harm Farm." I've always thought that name was more appropriate for the next Rob Zombie flick rather than a chunk of land owned by a couple of old people who had an angel for a granddaughter.

So anyway, back to my story. In her princess dress and her princess sash, with her princess hair and princess smile, she made her way over to me. At first I thought she was just walking by so I stared, and as soon as I realized she saw that I was looking at her I tried to make it a little less awkward by smiling and waving. But then I realized that she was actually coming over to talk to me. This had never happened to me before, so I really didn't know what the fuck to do. So, naturally, I stuck my hands in my pockets and did my best to avoid eye contact.

So she's finally close enough to me now to have a conversation. She was just basically there to compliment me and tell me how good she thought my band was. So of course, I thanked her and really didn't know what to say after that. Then, through some unknown force, something actually came to mind, so I was able to keep the conversation going without it being incredibly uncomfortable for either of us. I asked her if she was able to get a copy of the CD. To my surprise, she informed me that she had not been able to get a copy of the CD and proceeded to inquire as to how she could obtain one. I then let her know that we had no more, that they had sold out. At this point some more conversation went on about how we were playing again the next day and that we might have some more CDs ready, but that I wasn't exactly sure if we would, so she shouldn't count on it and blah blah blah.

This is the part that gets interesting. This is the part that's going to make you want to punch me in the balls. This is the part that makes me the dumbest guy ever to live.

Cassandra Harm, the unattainable girl, the girl that every guy who knew what was good for him would want, the pretty, pretty princess, asked me a question. She asked, "Would you like my number so you can call me when you have more?"

To which I replied, "No, I'll just see you at school or something."

Go ahead, stab me in the face. I know you want to. Hell, I fucking want to, even though this was over three years ago. For the rest of my life, this moment is going to be considered the biggest mistake I ever made. And what's worse is there's no correcting it. My opportunity has passed. That ship has sailed. I'm fucking done.

Now, to be completely fair, I don't think she was trying to give me her number for any other reason than for me to be able to simply inform her when we would have more CDs available. But, that doesn't mean I couldn't have taken advantage of it! For Christ's sake, it would've been so easy for me to call her up and be like, "Hey, we don't have CDs yet, but I just want to let you know that you're number 1 on the list for when we get more." And then, as soon as we finally did have more CDs, I could've called her and said, "Hey, we got the CDs in. Would you like to meet me at the pool hall so I can give it to you?" (Hahaha... 'give it to you.' Hahahaha...) Then she could agree to meet me at the pool hall, and once we were there I could've easily coaxed her into staying for a few moments while we talked and enjoyed some carbonated beverages and maybe even a frozen treat. The possibilities were endless! And now, the possiblity of ever having that chance again is gone forever.

And now, to make the story even more revolting and awkward...

As if on cue, after I just made the biggest mistake of my life, Ralph, our "manager" shows up. Keep in mind, it was probably 3 in the afternoon by now, so naturally, he had already tossed back a few. So he kinda stumbles over and tries to get in on the conversation. You see, he knew who she was, and he knew why I would want to talk to her, so being the friendly guy he was, he tried to help me. However, I really would rather have been shot in the wrists than have to endure what he was about to put me through. You see, all day I had been asking people to go with me to the one-screen movie theater to see the new Star Wars. "Episode II" had just come out and the Fillmore theater actually had it on their one screen! So, Ralph thought it would be a good idea to ask Miss Harm if she would like to go to the movie with me that night. I didn't know what to do at that point so I said something about how I wasn't feeling well and I was just gonna go home afterwards and that I really wasn't up for a movie. You may be thinking to yourself that this was mistake number 2, but you should know that the faces she was making at this point suggested anything but actually wanting to go to that movie with me, so I don't really think it would've happened anyway.

So after Ralph decided it was time to stop ruining my life, I shyly reminded Cassandra that we were playing again the next day and that if she was available she should go watch our set. During that performance, we debuted a song called "The Girl With The Orange Backpack." You see, one day, in Nick's garage (that's where we were practicing at the time), he and Lolo and I decided we should write a candy-ass pop song about a girl. So, while deciding on which girl to write it about, of course Cassandra came to mind. But I didn't want it to be so fucking obvious it was about her, by doing something like, oh I dunno... calling the song "Cassandra Harm Is So Fucking Amazing That I Lay Awake At Night Wishing I Could Hold Her Hand." So I suggested we make the song about a specific feature about her that only people who know who we were talking about would understand. And as the title suggests, she had a bright as fuck orange backpack, thus "The Girl With The Orange Backpack" was born.

Anyway, sure enough, Cassandra showed up and watched our performance on the second day. She heard the song that was "inspired by her but was a completely fictional story." She didn't say anything to me about it, although I knew she figured out what that song was about, and who had something to do with it. You see, from that day on, she treated me differently. I was a TA in one of her classes, and after our run-ins at the Fillmore Orange Festival, I got a smile a little more often. And one time, I was walking home from the pool hall. I had seen her come out of the tanning salon. I was behind her for about a block, and then she turned the corner. I kept going straight. Then, a few minutes and some turns later, we met again at another intersection and exchanged hellos. She was going east, and I was going north. At some point, for some reason, I decided to look back at her and I knew that for some reason she had the same urge, because we looked in each other's eyes, and I'll always remember that moment, and that turning back and looking at Cassandra Harm was the best decision I ever made.

Rest in Peace.

"Skool es Kool", you were just a young seedling...

2005-08-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

Who would have grown up to bring laughs to all 5 readers of the "Baby-Eating Nun Punchers" blog. You were academic, yet readable; comical, but still retained a serious tone. But alas, you were deleted at the hands of a fucking idiot, whose tiny intellect does not comprehend the function of "Save Draft". It could have been great kid, it could have been great...

So now, I will state my thesis on which said blog was based, and proceed to jam the fuck out

It's that time of the year where we wonder just where in the fuck did Summer go? Where the books they are a crackin' and the pencils are aplenty. That's right bitches, it's back to school time.

So, I propose that; we all abandon school for one semester.

Who the fuck is in? Who's coming with me?

Music Recommendation for this week

2005-08-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

Panic! at the disco-the only difference between martyrdom and suicide is press coverage

think a techno fall out boy...believe me you'll love it you can hear it here.

http://www.purevolume.com/panicatthedisco

Fuck camping

2005-08-09T13:04:00.000-07:00

Who wants to hear me bitch?? Anyone?!!? Ok here I go. Camping got me sick as fuck...fuckin camping...so we leave sunday after an hour and a half of my dad fucking with the trailer hitch (by the way who puts a trailer hitch on a HONDA FUCKING ODYSSEY!?!?) so we finally leave and after an hour and a half of driving i reach to get my bag and wouldnt you fucking know it? paper cut....i dont fucking know how but some how i get a paper cut and bleed for a good 15 minutes then when we get there a bungee cord unhooks and gets caught in my skin....believe me that shit hurts so then i get in the dirtiest hot tub ive ever seen (so dirty a little girl asked her mom why the water was that color) and then go take a nap...i wake up from the nap with a 102 degree fever which isnt fuckin cool at all so my dad brings me home (which ws mighty cool of him) and i have the house to myself for a day or two so anyway what have i accomplished by bitching?? jack shit!!! but i do have a car and the keys to it...so i should be alright

Who Killed JFK??

2005-08-09T02:14:00.000-07:00

simply, it was me, The Panda. i will now explain in not-so-great detail how i pulled off one of the most contreversial assassinations in America's history:

Ok, so i woke up on November 22nd 1963 at around 6 a.m. really really excited. i was hired for a big job that would be going down today. the only thing sketchy about the job was the fact that i wouldnt learn who i would be putting out before i got to the "kill spot" (the area where the killing would take place.) in fact, i didnt even know where the killing would take place.

So, back to waking up... after contemplating the possibilities of the afternoon for about an hour, i got up out of the bed at about 7. i ate some cereal and proceeded in masturbating to some cartoons on abc. i really enjoy the colors in those cartoons, they are so vibrant they almost make me feel like im going colorblind, or maybe that is due to masturbating constantly.... so after the cartoons i thought i might go out to see what was going on in going on in good ol' Texas.

As you might imagine, i felt a bit out of place walking down the streets of Dallas. i felt as if everyone was staring at me. i didnt want to make a scene though, so i just minded my own business. i honestly dont think it was a race thing, but i feel that most of the stares were because i am a panda. but it was cool walking around and looking at all those cowboy hats. i fucking love cowboy hats... i wish i had one, just one though. two would be too much. after walking around until about 10 a.m., i went to eat at a little diner. as i was watching the news i learned that the president would be in Dallas today!! how awesome was that? i would be able to see the president and shit, which was one of my many dreams as a little panda. as i was sitting down, a man approached me and asked if i was told what my job was today. i wondered how he knew that i even had a job to do today.. so i asked. "im sorry, but how did you know that i would be killing someone today?" to which he replied, "come on buddy, how many fucking pandas are there walking around in Dallas this time of day!" well now i just felt dumb. then he told me.... i would kill the president today.

Well i knew there was only one way i would be able to do this... get really really high. so after i left the diner, i headed back to the motel to light one up. by this time it was about 11. the job would take place at 12:30. i lit up a j and smoked that shit like it was candy. mmmmm, good shit. while i was high i decided to climb a building. a very tall buildng, not very nice, but it was clean. i started upwards using a shoe, an icepick and a shamy cloth, then i realized there were stairs. much easier... so i icepicked up the stairs (just for fun) all the way to the top of the building. the building was hugantic; at least 4 stories high.

When i arrived at the top i noticed an aircraft approaching me quickly. as it closer i realized what it was..... a UFO!!! awesome i thought, until of course it sucked me up into its sandy vagina of teleporter. once i was finally settled in the spaceship, i began giving myself a tour of the place. it was really nice, lots of towels and kleenex. they also had an abundance of bagels, which was great because i was starving!! so i ate a few bagels (which were a bit stale but i didnt really mind) and tried to find the shitter. once i found what i thought to be the shitter i took one of the most satisfying poops in my life. it was long and smooth, hardly any delays at all. then trouble happened...

I tried to flush the "toilet" but the button i thought to be the "shit handle" ended up triggering up the shit of my own as well as previous shits of others.. by the time i figured out how to make this stop (by pressing a button that said 'STOP'") i was completely covered in fecal matter. all types of it too. big ones, small ones. chunky ones, green ones. slimy ones, hard ones. it was just a bit disgusting but i have been through much much worse (but thats a whooooole 'nother story). So i cleaned myself off since there was a shitload of towels lying around, (no pun intended) and jumped out of the spaceship and landed directly on the grassy knoll. the time was 12:15... only 15 minutes before i had to do the unthinkable.

so i set up behind the fence of the grassy knoll and watched about for any cops. i was extremely nervous, but i was totally pumped... and really really fucking high. the time was near, very near....

I could hear the roar of the crowd, and i knew it was time. i reached for my gun and realized.............................. i forgot it at the motel.

holy shit, you know what?? HA!! i actually didnt kill JFK!! i forgot, i just ended up going home and masturbating to big bird on sesame street. yeah, that was some good shit as well.

but anyways, i think some guy named oswalt did it. but how the fuck should i know?? i wasnt even born.....

Disclaimer: this is all bullshit. thank you, have a great day.

The Panda

Do unborn babies have rights?

2005-08-08T00:48:00.000-07:00

Well, do they? It seems to be a pretty popular topic these days. Pro-lifers will say that unborn babies have just as many rights as anyone else, but pro-choicers will maintain that the baby is unborn, therefore it doesn't count as a real person yet. Which makes me wonder as to whether or not a pregnant woman can claim herself as two people on a census. Or would she only be one and a half people?

Anyway, I was thinking about the whole abortion thing. All my life -- or at least for as long as I've been able to understand what abortion is and be able to form my own opinion on the issue -- I've been pro-choice. I look at it this way: it's none of my fuckin' business whether or not Jane down the street wants to kill the giant parasite "living" in her belly. And I say "living" because that seems to be the whole argument... is the child alive or not? And just as it's none of my fucking business, it's none of yours, either. The only people who should be concerned with the decision is Jane, her husband (or whoever the father of the baby may be), her doctor, and anyone else she chooses to consult. Beyond that, everyone else can go fuck themselves as far as Jane's concerned. If you have a moral objection to killing your unborn child, good for you. Don't kill it. But don't tell Jane what to do based on your morals.

With that said, I guess it's now time for me to question my own morals, and whether or not I'm a hypocrite. You see, this little article (or "writing adventure," as I like to call it) was originally going to be about how pregnant women who smoke, drink, do drugs and other things that could potentially be harmful to the fetus should be punished severly.

Recently I was told the story of a woman who was 6 months pregnant at the time, and she had gone into the ER because they thought she was going into labor 3 months premature. This woman smoke, drank and didn't eat properly throughout the pregnancy. The doctors were considering doing a C-section, but they weren't sure whether or not the baby's lungs were strong enough. After a while, apparently it all turned out to be a false alarm. So, in the end, the lady went home, sat on the couch and probably had a beer after a stressful day.

I've also heard of women who are arrested for drunk driving, and when the police ask them if they have any medical problems they need to be aware of, they reply with, "I'm pregnant."

That shit infuriates me. Sometimes, when I hear of stories like these, I just think that it'd be nice to know for certain whether or not that baby was gonna come out alright or not, so I'd have no qualms about giving the bitch a couple fists in the belly, just to put the kid out of its misery. But, in all seriousness, what should happen is as soon as the baby pops out, it should be handed over to Social Services and be taken care of properly, because we all know the bitch who birthed it won't do it right.

I did a little research on the laws regarding child endangerment when it comes to unborn children and the filthy whores who house them. (Oooh, say that ten times fast... "whores who house them, whores who house them, whores who house them...") Surprisingly, I found nothing. Maybe I just suck at looking for such. Maybe you could say I'm Googly-retarded. Whatever. But anyway, all I found on the subject is that California Penal Code 13879.80 says that "...exposing a child to the manufacturing,trafficking, and use of narcotics is criminal conduct..." but it seems only to refer to living (or, already-birthed, for your pro-lifers) children. So, I pose the question: Do unborn babies have rights? Well, based on the fact that there's no punishment for pregnant women who harm their unborn children, and that abortion is still alive and kickin' (yes, I noticed the irony, too), I'd say that unborn children do not have rights. None at all. Apparently, those little bastards deserve what they got comin' to 'em, and there's nothing they, or anyone else, can do to stop it, no matter how incredibly inhumane their fate may be.

Apparently, the mentality is, "Hey, it's my kid, so fuck off!" Well, can't that be said for post-natal children as well? I mean, why have laws regarding child safety for an 8-year-old if you're not gonna protect the unborn 8-month-old? Doesn't seem fair... or logical. This has really made me think about my stance on abortion. So, I'll redefine my position. I believe that abortion should only be legal in cases where the mother is in danger of dying. You may be asking, "well, what about the baby?" Well, what about the baby? I'll tell you. Fuck that fool. No just kidding, but seriously, sometimes that's just the way life goes. Babies are born all the time with Down's Syndrome, some debilitating disease, AIDS, addiction to heroin, and plenty more fucked up problems. Sometimes the baby just has a shitty hand dealt to it straight out of the gate. Being someone who was born with a disability, I can tell you this: I can see, hear, breathe, eat, piss, and do a bunch of other stuff just fine without the need of machinery or any other kind of aid. I just can't move around very well. I seem to be doing okay. My point is, what if my parents had found out that something was gonna be wrong with me before I was born, and they knew I wasn't going to be able to play baseball, or football, or soccer, or anything else like that, so they decided to just kill me? Game over, bitch! Well, that would've sucked balls, because I'd be dead. And I know that I really don't have it that bad, but there are kids out there who are born and they're FUCKED UP beyond all reason. Like, they can't breathe or nothin' and they got snot all up on their face all the time and shit. Well, they seem to be doing okay, so it's really not up to anyone to decide whether or not someone should exist because their existence might be less than ideal from the start.

As far as the other arguments pro-choicers use regarding abortion, such as rape, teenage pregnancy, financial hardship and other things like that, I have one easy solution: put it up for adoption. Don't just kill it because you can't afford it, or you were raped so you don't want to remember that terrible night every time you look into your kid's eyes, or just because you were stupid and didn't know you could get pregnant your first time. All that does is contribute to the laziness and unaccountability that seems to be taking over this country.

In closing... fuck you.

Rest in Peace.

A Public Service Announcement (from Hunter Cool)

2005-08-07T19:06:00.000-07:00

Are you a vegetarian? That's cool... just don't support PETA.

2005-08-07T15:39:00.000-07:00

"Ethical" Defined
After more than 100 dead dogs were dumped in a trash dumpster over
four weeks, police in Ahoskie, N.C., kept an eye on the trash receptacle
behind a supermarket. Sure enough, a van drove up and officers watched
the occupants throw in heavy plastic bags. They detained the two people
in the van and found 18 dead dogs in plastic bags in the dumpster,
including puppies; 13 more dead dogs were still in the van. Police say
the van is registered to the headquarters of People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals, and the two occupants, Andrew B. Cook, 24, and
Adria Joy Hinkle, 27, identified themselves as PETA employees. An autopsy
performed on one of the dogs found it was healthy before it was killed.
Police say PETA has been picking up the animals -- alive -- from North
Carolina animal shelters, promising to find them good homes. Cook and
Hinkle have been charged with 62 felony counts of animal cruelty. In
response to the arrests PETA President Ingrid Newkirk said it's against
the group's policy for employees to dump animals in the trash, but "that
for some animals in North Carolina, there is no kinder option than
euthanasia." (Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald) ...Oops, my mistake: that's
"Playing God" Defined.

In his author's notes section, Cassingham had more to say about this
story:

The more I learn about PETA, the less I think of
them. The story of them killing animals isn't even unusual. According to
PETA's own filings, in 2004 PETA killed 86.3 percent of the
animals entrusted to its care -- a number that's rising, not falling.
Meanwhile, the SPCA in PETA's home town (Norfolk, Va.) was able to find
loving homes for 73 percent of the animals put in its care. A shortage of
funds? Nope: last year PETA took in $29 million in tax-exempt donations.
It simply has other priorities for the funds, like funding terrorism
(yes, really). But don't take my word for it: I got my figures from
http://www.PETAkillsAnimals.com
-- and they have copies of PETA's state and federal filings to back it
up. The bottom line: if you donate money to PETA because you think they
care for and about animals, you need to think some more. PETA literally
yells and screams about how others "kill animals" but this is how
they operate? Pathetic.

And you know what I wonder? PETA's official count of animals
they kill is 86.3 percent. But if they're going around picking up
animals, killing them while they drive around and not even giving them a
chance to be adopted, and then destroying the evidence by dumping
the bodies in the trash, are those deaths being reported? My
guess: no. While 86.3 percent is awful, the actual number is probably
much, much higher. How dare they lecture anyone
about the "ethical" treatment of animals!

(This is True is a weekly column featuring
weird-but-true news
stories from around the world, and has been published since 1994. Click
the link for info about free subscriptions.)

it's kinda like...

2005-08-07T03:53:00.000-07:00

getting hit in the head with a door.

(in regards to getting hit in the head with a door)

yea, that shit sucks... so now, i have this big bump on my head that's sorta purple colored. it almost looks like a rash. i've never had a rash on my forehead...

I will also write my first real entry now.

2005-08-07T03:48:00.000-07:00

I am terribly excited about this idea going on here, and i hope everyone (or anyone) who reads this is also. I mean, you really don't have any reason to not be terribly excited.4 funny guys, joining forces to make you smile... now that is awesome. too bad it's almost 4 in the fucking morning. Anyways, good stuff. Goodnight no one!!

Okay, time for a real entry.

2005-08-07T03:27:00.000-07:00

Hey, this is Hunter. A little over a month ago, I was sitting in a UCLA dorm room at dawn and I was incredibly bored. My friends were passed out and I was wide awake, wasting time on this here innarweb. I thought it might be fun to have a blog type dealie where I could post music reviews, political rants, comics, links to interesting articles I find, etc... Well, I have a LiveJournal and a MySpace, but that's all just me. I thought it would be neat to have a place where I'm not the only one who has something to say on here, thus getting more opinions on more topics, and more readers. Let's face it, this is a pretty good way to get my friends' friends to read my shit, right? So, kinda outta nowhere, less than two hours ago I asked three of my closest friends to join this little blog here with me, and surprisingly, they all seem to be into it. In fact, they're the ones who picked the name, the URL and the color scheme. All I did was ask them if they wanted to be a part of this.

So, if anyone out there actually reads this and finds it at all interesting, leave us some comments, drop us some emails, and maybe even add us on MySpace.

Rest in Peace.

guess what??

2005-08-07T02:49:00.000-07:00

you fucking suck....

you know whati hate??

2005-08-07T02:40:00.000-07:00

the jews controlling the media

Testes in your mouth...

2005-08-07T02:39:00.000-07:00

WATERMELON WATERMELON!!!

The Baby-Eating Nun Punchers

The things you'll see on TV these days...

Let's call a spade a spade.

My review of Superman Returns

Hi, I'm Hunter... and I'm a Street Teamer.

I can't stand Lewis Black.

Review: AFI - Decemberunderground

The well runs dry...

Maybe I'm a snob...

"Waiting..." sucks balls.

Fucking brilliant.

The Vice President is a bad shot.

You don't know me... I do what I want!

They may be gay...

MY favorites of 2005.

Happy New Year.

The Best Music of 2005

Monday Funday recommendations

The grass is always greener when you use Miracle-Gro.

To all....

There's this thing called loyalty...

Jude Law is a Bitch

Hero of the week #1: Andrew Lopez

You learn something new every day.

Irony is a wonderful thing.

This is funny.

I GOT MY CAST OFF!!!

*shudder*

You're dead, bitch!

I'm enforcing a new policy here at the BENP.

A Beginner's Guide to Depression

The White Stripes steal Tegan and Sara's thunder!

RIP Ryan "Dallas" Cook

Steve Jobs is a Bastard

Rogue Wave

A few things I've come to love and hate in the last week.

Stan Tookie is a Mighty Sandy Vagina...

Do rich people really get a better deal on taxes?

A conversation I had...

This is serious.

I'd just like to point out...

Happy Birthday Aaron Barrett!!!

Check out this band right fucking now.

wasted words on lower cases and capitals

you come around here like you know me

Before you get offended, read this whole post.

More on hot lesbians. If only I had more hot lesbians on me...

Down with hot lesbians!!!

I was bored, so I drew this on the back of a Yahtzee score sheet.

Indians (and why they suck).

Fuck You People....

I fucking hate (almost) everyone-part I

Following the trend of unpleasant life experiences....

What's wrong with me?

I'm the stupidest person on the planet... and I'll tell you why.

"Skool es Kool", you were just a young seedling...

Music Recommendation for this week

Fuck camping

Who Killed JFK??

Do unborn babies have rights?

A Public Service Announcement (from Hunter Cool)

Are you a vegetarian? That's cool... just don't support PETA.

it's kinda like...

I will also write my first real entry now.

Okay, time for a real entry.

guess what??

you know whati hate??

Testes in your mouth...

shudder